I never realized how messed up that song was, considering it included Snoopy, beloved  by children everywhere. Now, I know a few things: Snoopy often imagined himself in dogfights atop his doghouse, and this was alluded to in the strip. I also know that Schultz had nothing to do with this song (though after a lawsuit obtained the rights to all royalties from it). Still, I thought I’d point out a few interesting points.

In the predecessor to this song, Snoopy and the Red Baron , we learn that 80 men died trying to end the streak of Baron Von Richthofen. And it was true that this German held that record. But in the first verse of this fun happy song, we learn “they’re buried together in the countryside.” That means all of his victims were in a mass grave. That’s not only historically inaccurate, it’s just a little dark. Ultimately in that first installment, Snoopy is shot down, goes to the Great Pumpkin for help, and then returns to the skies to shoot down the Baron. Forget Dave Petreaus, the all-knowing military strategist we need to be consulting is a gourd.

Anyway, the Baron lives to fly again, returning for a special holiday-themed version of the same basic song. In this version, Snoopy sucks wind and almost gets shot. But the Christmas bells ring out below, and the Baron has a moment of kindheartedness, making Snoopy land on the other side of the Rhine, “behind enemy lines.” The song ponders why the Red Baron had Snoopy in his sights and didn’t shoot. I too would be slightly hesitant as well to waste bullets on a cartoon dog when the combined allied air forces were after me. Even if that cartoon dog did shoot me down once before.

So Snoopy lands, and the Baron wishes him “Merry Christimas Mein Friend.” This of course, in an awful German accent that sounds more like a bad impression of a Pakistani accent. This villan then  audibly pops a bottle and toasts Snoopy. That’s right, this villain who had killed 80 allied pilots and the cartoon dog shared a drink, and then got back into their planes to go kill other pilots.

Last week in the midst of my web wanderings, I was inspired by an old advertisement that I read. Yes, I was inspired by an advertisement. Actually, anyone who knows me at all should not be surprised that I, paragon of character depth that I am, would be inspired by an advertisement. I’ve also been known to be inspired by tea bags, fortune cookies, the homeless, The Incredible Journey, country music and a squirrel outside of my window.

Of course, this is not just any advertisement. This was once voted as the greatest advertisement of all time. See, the story goes like this: Caddy had a new model out, which had some dependability issues (imagine that). Since reliability has been Cadillac’s USP (unique selling proposition), Packard was successfully increasing their sales by making a hoopla about the about quality issues in the press. Cadillac responded with the ad, only run once in the Saturday Evening Post January 2, 1915. The Brilliant copywriter Theodore MacManus (a fellow scot) wrote an triumphantly inspiring ad that never once mentioned Cadillac. It was successful because true or not, we all think of ourselves as leaders, bogged down by the critics, nay-sayers, haters, ill-wishers, guff-givers, armchair quarterbacks, worst-episode-everers and the IRS.

THE PENALTY OF LEADERSHIP

In every field of human endeavor, he that is first must perpetually live in the white light of publicity. Whether the leadership be vested in a man or in a manufactured product, emulation and envy are ever at work. In art, in literature, in music, in industry, the reward and the punishment are always the same. The reward is widespread recognition; the punishment, fierce denial and detraction. When a man’s work becomes a standard for the whole world, it also becomes a target for the shafts of the envious few. If his work be mediocre, he will be left severely alone - if he achieves a masterpiece, it will set a million tongues a-wagging. Jealousy does not protrude its forked tongue at the artist who produces a commonplace painting. Whatsoever you write, or paint, or play, or sing, or build, no one will strive to surpass or to slander you unless your work be stamped with the seal of genius. Long, long after a great work or a good work has been done, those who are disappointed or envious, continue to cry out that it cannot be done. Spiteful little voices in the domain of art were raised against our own Whistler as a mountback, long after the big would had acclaimed him its greatest artistic genius. Multitudes flocked to Bayreuth to worship at the musical shrine of Wagner, while the little group of those whom he had dethroned and displaced argued angrily that he was no musician at all. The little world continued to protest that Fulton could never build a steamboat, while the big world flocked to the river banks to see his boat steam by. The leader is assailed because he is a leader, and the effort to equal him is merely added proof of that leadership. Failing to equal or to excel, the follower seeks to depreciate and to destroy - but only confirms once more the superiority of that which he strives to supplant. There is nothing new in this. It is as old as the world and as old as human passions - envy, fear, greed, ambition, and the desire to surpass. And it all avails nothing. If the leader truly leads, he remains - the leader. Master-poet, master-painter, master-workman, each in his turn is assailed, and each holds his laurels through the ages. That which is good or great makes itself known, no matter how loud the clamor of denial. That which deserves to live - lives.

The ad was resurrected in 1967 and mailed on scrolls to Caddy owners — including one Elvis Presley. He immediately had it framed and it hung in his office. In fact, it’s still hanging on the wall in Graceland for visitors to appreciate today.

Recently, we’ve gotten a modern-day reminder of just how not that fun these pirates can be. As I was driving to work today, I heard a report that pirates had hijacked a tanker with over 100 million dollars worth of oil (about 2 million barrels). They were able to overpower the crew of 25 and take hold of this massive ship. The tanker, the Sirius Star, is a Saudi boat, one of the biggest of its kind. It’s 1,080 feet long — that’s longer than the Chrysler building if it were laid on its side. At first I was shocked that they could overtake such a large vessel, but after discovering how enormous the boat was, I was shocked that they had a crew of only 25 aboard. With a crew of that size, they could easily be overtaken by sea gulls.

Now these guys are floating around on an island of oil. There is not much that they can do with it, they don’t have the equipment to pump it out, and not sure anyone would buy it. However, they could destroy the precious cargo, torching the oil and causing incomprehensible environmental damage. For this reason, like all of the other countries that have been victims of these Somali Swashbucklers, they are probably going to play ball. What’s a million bucks to a bunch of crazy kids to make sure your 150 million dollar boat loaded up with 100 million dollars worth of oil is returned safely? It’s like buying lemonade from the neighborhood kids. You’re driving through their block, you have to play along.

Big ups to the Indians — instead of pussy-footing around, they just up and blew up a pirate ship before it could do any damage. That’s the decisive action I want to see. I say anyone wearing an eyepatch, peg-leg, 3-pointed hat or Scimitar should be shot on sight.

But really, there is only one solution to the problem. Send a boatload of wisecracking parrots around the Cape of Good Hope. No pirate can resist a wisecracking parrot. I’m not sure what will happen next, but I’m sure it would be hilarious.

As AAVR Magazine has grown, we’ve been enjoying traffic from all over the world. Recently, we’ve noticed that that we’ve been receiving visitors from Chinese search engine Baidu. We hope that our discourse is okay by the government of the People’s Republic of China, and if it isn’t, contact us. We’ll gladly fall in line to be named official glorious paper-free magazine of the People’s Republic of China and associated territories including Taiwan and Hong Kong.

Zai Jain!

Joe The Plumber

I guess sometimes, it’s about being in the right place at the right time. Now, I am certain that Joe Wurzelbacher (you might know him by his nom de plume, Joe The Plumber) is a driven, god-fearing, decent guy. Seriously. I’m not going to demonize him. But, he is one lucky son of a gun. Just by showing up to a rally and speaking up, this guy is going to check off half of my bucket list:

- be a country music star

- be on TV

- Have a mafioso-style nickname (my nickname in my old neighborhood, blanquito, doesn’t count)

- Write a book that someone actually reads

That’s right, my boy Joe wrote a book. I’m going to give him the free promotion, because I’m sure he’ll do the same for me on his web site when I write my book. (yes, I know that’s not actually him)

To me, it seems like Chrysler has become that middle-aged cougar at the bar — at one point attractive, even sexy, and now dangerous, desperate, ugly and toxic. The only reason anyone is remotely interested in Chrysler is to get their grubby paws on their cash and the Jeep brand, but then they look a little closer and realize the baggage. I’ve even heard rumors that the selling price could be next to nothing, since the new buyer would be taking on so many liabilities of health care costs and bad loans.

All of the 3 have bad news to report, Ford and GM are running out of cash, to the tune that they could be more successful throwing gold bricks out the windows of the renaissance tower than trying to sell cars. I think that the domestic auto manufacturers are in a difficult position. I would agree with anyone that the industry has too much capacity as a whole, but on the other hand, I would be really sad to see GM or Ford go (goodbye Chrysler). Any big hits to the big three would mean bad news for American workers, the union movement, and ultimately our economy. I have a tough time with this one. I believe that industries should have to correct themselves, and that lesser players should be weeded out. However, I also lament the sad state of the American industrial sector, and hate to see fellow countrymen lose jobs, just so in 10 years foreign entities can open non-union factories in the south and pay lower wages.

The problems are industry wide, Toyota, Honda and Nissan are in trouble too, but the difference is that our companies have been bleeding cash for years and can’t afford to. This economic slump came at a vital point in the turnaround plan of the big two.

It’s anyone’s guess what the fallout will be from this whole thing, what will the American automotive landscape look like? I doubt the government will allow the whole industry to go belly up, so will Joe Taxpayer be on the hook for bailing out another industry? I’m uncharacteristically concerned and dismayed about this.

Armed with farm-fresh leeks and a powerful hunger, I ventured into the kitchen to throw together something rich and creamy for these cold fall days. This satisfies that need, and its rich enough to provide leftovers for a few days.

With this basic recipe, you can have a lot of fun. Try substituting different vegetables , substituting Marsala wine, beef broth and mushrooms (delicious and hearty), or making it without vegetables and adding saffron and white pepper for an elegant side dish.

Lemony Leek Risotto

1/2 Stick Butter or 4 Tablespoons Olive Oil + 1 Tablespoon Butter
1.5 Cups Arborio Rice
About 3-4 Cups Chicken Stock (Good to have extra on hand)
2 Nice Sized Leeks
1/3 Cup Dry White Wine

Place a saucepan on the back burner with the chicken stock inside. Add salt and pepper, and bring to a slow boil, then turn down to simmer.

Meanwhile, in a deep frypan or other pan with a wide bottom, saute the leeks in the butter or olive oil until they begin to soften. This is also the time to add any herbs you want to include.

I like this recipe pretty basic, and add only salt and pepper near the end before serving. Saffron is also an option, but it is the most expensive spice you can buy, and the strong flavors of the lemon and leek here overpower the risotto. If you really want to use it, finely chop about a half teaspoon of the fibers and dissolve in 1/2 cup of the broth. Add about mid-way through the broth adding process (below)

At this point, styles diverge. Many cookbooks will recommend removing the leeks and putting aside at this point, while you sauté the rice. I, however, do not find that the leeks will become burnt or bitter if you keep the heat moderate and simply sauté the rice for about 10 minutes in the pan with the leeks. So do that. Screw it, I’m the boss here.

Add the wine to the mixture, and continue to stir with the rice mixture until evaporated. If you’ve removed your leeks, now is the time to put them back in. Now, begin to to add the broth one ladel-full at a time, stirring until absorbed before adding another ladel. Continue until kernels are soft in texture, but firm to the bite. (you may have broth left over. If you run out of broth and still feel the rice isn’t cooked, no worries, you can heat more, or if you are out, you can add bullion to boiling water in a pinch, or in the worst case, use water)

Add one more tablespoon of butter, salt and pepper to taste, the juice of one lemon, and 1/3 cup parmesan cheese. Serve immediately. For a special presentation, risotto can be packed into a small bowl or measuring cup and molded into a little dome on the plate, and accented with fresh parsley or thyme.

I love the sense of excitement in the air today, not just from young liberal types, but everyone — co-workers, radio hosts, passers-by — it’s been a long time since voting or participating in the process has felt to mean this much. The energy from people who support Obama and McCain is infectious, as is the support by those who choose Nader, or will be writing in Paul.

Even corporate America is pitching in. Check out all the free stuff you can get for voting: Coffee, Sex Toys, Ice Cream, Donuts, Champagne, Fried Chicken, and more fried chicken.

For more AAVR election info, see

The Electoral College: Part 1

This process gained infamy during the contested Bush/Gore election, and to this day many cite Bush’s failure to win the popular vote as evidence he is not our legal president. Before we can take sides or make judgements on the validity of this statement, let’s take a look at the history and intention of this system.

It is important to remember that while most of us outside of Texas think of states as simply subdivisions and hold little allegiance to our territory beyond sports team loyalties, at the time the United States was born, each state was fully independent like a small nation. Imagine it like present-day Europe, without quite as much history. When these 13 (at the time) independent colonies decided to unite under the tenuous Continental Congress, it was an uneasy union at best, and each colony was wary of being exploited by the others. This distrust carried into the formation of the Constitution, which nine colonies would ratify to form the United States.

In that document, there is specific mention of “electors” as those that would choose the president, but it was agreed from the beginning that a system should be in place to protect the smaller, less populous states from the larger ones. The founding fathers feared that a direct popular vote would lead to all of the candidates coming from the most populous states and politicians pandering to those states. A system of government that unites smaller quasi-independent regions and maintains the power of each state is known as Federalism.

The first solution to this problem was known as the Virginia plan; it was initially decided that the Senators and Representatives would cast votes to finally elect the president. However, concerns about balances of power and collusion changed the plan, and it was finally determined that each state would choose electors in the same ratios that they have representation in Congress, and these electors would meet to determine the president. As a result, each state has two electors, plus an additional one for each representative. Washington, DC, which proudly advertises “taxation without representation” on their license plates, does receive two electors, which brings the total to 538.

There are few rules about who can and cannot be an elector, they can’t be a congressperson, they can’t be someone who has led a rebellion or insurrection against the US, and they can’t be a high-ranking government official. Other than that, it’s pretty much anyone’s game.

Now, it is intended that these Electors should vote in a way representative of the results of the popular vote in the territory they are from. However, there is no federal law requiring them to. A couple of states have laws that mandate this, and 99% of the time these electors vote consistent with that popular result, but it is interesting that it is not required.

To confuse things even more, states have different methods by which they dole out their electoral votes. In most states, the winner receives all of the votes, but in Maine and Nebraska, these votes are proportioned based on how the public voted.

It’s disheartening for some to realize how indirect their influence on the election of a president is. In the next installment, we’ll talk about how this system influences politics, and some of the suggested revisions, and the effects that they would have.