AAVR Magazine

Viva La Grammys? Or Death to All its Viewers…

SoI decided to blog the Grammys because I figured it was better to take my frustration out on this blog, and on all of you, than to keep it inside. In short, I wanted to smack at least half of the attendees/performers. Let’s roll, kids!

So first up is Bono, or as he’s known to…uh…himself…God. I won’t argue with the sentiment that U2 is one of the greatest bands of our time, but I take issue with its lead singer’s insistence upon being viewed as a martyr. Dude, maybe without the wraparound sunglasses I’d take you seriously. Probably not,but I’ll give you the maybe. Also, I started hitting the mute button (and the pinot grigio. Hoo-ahh!) with this one– the first performance of the night. Not a good sign.

Um… Whitney? Whitney Houston? You ok there, honey?

Anyway, on to the next performance. Al Green, Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban (huh?!) and Boyz blink-and-you’ll-man-that-is-so-messed-up-miss-them II Men perform classic “Let’s Stay Together, and find new ways to piss me off.” Al Green= Legend. Justin Timberlake= Yeah, ok I guess I get it. Need to bust someone young and cute out. But Keith Urban. Really? Didn’t he sing that song about sweaters that isn’t Weezer’s “The Sweater Song?” That qualifies him for this how? And you completely ignore Boyz II Men and treat them like backup singers? Not even a single pan over them? “End of the Road” is my jam! Oh it’s on like Donkey Kong, Grammys.

So yeah, not a good way to start out the night. But we’ll move on. Anyway, Simon Baker and his dorky glasses serve dual purposes for me: they remind me that I love Simon Baker and remind me to see my optometrist. He introduces Coldplay, whom I sort of find myself sometimes quoting even though I insist I’m not a fan of them. Chris Martin has what I call this funky Jesus complex, causing him to randomly convulse while he performs, as if his body were able to communicate what his [admittedly pretty] songs cannot. Still, I’m a sucker for spotlighted-solo-piano-performances. This one had impeccable vocals, and simple but beautiful piano chords that I just couldn’t deny. But wait…Jay-Z– is that you? Come to rap about Biggie, Jesus and Judas Iscariot? I knew it couldn’t last. I’m big on Young Hov and all, but this just didn’t do it for me. After a few more rhymes busted, the lights go up, Jay-Z vanishes (don’t worry folks, he’ll be back in due time) and the band launches—quite awkwardly—into hit “Viva La Vida.” This is the Chris Martin I take issue with—the one who imitates rain dances, birdlike movements and violent shakes. Holy Roller Batman! Someone’s feelin’ it.

So there is probably another award handed out around this point, but I’m too busy still complaining about the Boyz II Men incident to care. But what’s this? A teased-hair, flashing lights hoe-down?! I sort of dug Carrie Underwood’s powerhouse performance. It’s distracting, with lots of shiny lights and loud sounds. Also, singing about keying someone’s car up gives you an automatic thumbs-up (I’ll forgive “Jesus Take the Wheel”) from me.. This performance is slamming. But honey, next time make sure you dress has some lining. I think I see your Underwood.

Best Country Album is announced, and I’m not allowed to give an opinion on this, because I’m just not. Something called a Sugarland wins, though.

Omg! Kanye is among us!

Kid Rock infects the stage next. Seriously, do they just let anyone perform at these things? Could I get up there with my “Ode to My Bitches (it does exist, readers)?” I think he just called himself “Rock and Roll Jesus.” How many wannabe messiahs are we going to have to deal with?

Next up is the highly anticipated [by my teenaged sister] performance of Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, “together for the first time on stage!” Really though, aren’t these two, like, 14? And this is a big deal? What a terrible song. And Miley, give Bea Arthur back her sequined cardigan. It’s Bingo night at the YMCA.

Jennifer Hudson’s performance makes me want to hug a small child. Seriously, she could sing me “London Bridges” and I’d lose it.

More evidence of blasphemy: the Jonas Brothers perform with Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder! Why Stevie? I won’t make the obvious (and obviously wrong joke), but I’m sure there are a lot of people out there with a theory as to how this collab happened.

Coldplay wins Best Rock Album and I let out many words I’d never want my mother to hear. Rock album? Against Metallica?

I am going to slap Katy Perry. Also, I want to marry Craig Ferguson. Even if he does vomit on my shoes and try to stab me.

Katy Perry= mute button. Sorry folks. She descends in what appears to be a very large banana. Euphemism, much? Wait…what the hell? Are we the Sour Patch Kids all of a sudden? Even Katy Perry seems to find this ridiculous, and I’m about to start seizing.

Omg! Kanye! It appears you’ve still got that on your head, but I’ll forgive it, simply because your performance with Estelle does not include oversized oranges.

Also, I stop blogging at this point because I’m rapping along with the Louis Vuitton Don. “Look at this peacoat tell me he’s broke!” He ain’t broke!

Morgan Freeman introducing Kenny Chesney? Did he lose a bet or something?

So they give yet another Grammy to Robert Plant and Allison Krause. I found this to be a respectable song, but you cannot give this award to these people, going simply by level of creativity and production value, over M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes.” Girlfriend came out on her due date and everything! She’s like 11 months pregnant people!

Paying tribute to Dean Martin with a Rat Pack? Ok… what kind of Rat Pack?

No way. It’s the dream team. M.I.A. comes out wearing some sort of tortoise-like outfit (I’m just going to assume her doctor made her wear that because it would protect her unborn child in some way) and is soon joined by Jay-Z, TI, Lil’ Wayne and Kanye West for “Swagger Like Us.” I know I don’t need to type how excited I am to see two of my favorite acts onstage together, but really, give my girl a chair or something.

Next up, Paul McCartney performs a Beatles song with none other than Rin…oh, I mean, Dave Grohl on drums. It’s pretty funny seeing Dave basically headbanging to “When I Saw Her Standing There.” What would Mr. Starr say?

So at this point, I decide it’s time to shower, and I hand the reins over to Taylor Swift admirer, and my younger sister, Sylvia. You know I’d never leave you hanging, readers! I’d just abandon you and make someone else do the work for me! Note: Beware the smileys. None of them are mine. I swear.

“Here I am . Alright, so right now Jack Black’s on the screen and some dude with sunglasses. Oh yeah, I don’t know names… sorry! Wow, LL Cool J is on the screen and again, some dude I dunno the name of.

Sugarland and Adele (?) perform…yay. I freaking love the lead singer lady’s voice, but sadly, Shibow wouldn’t agree, , which is why I’m saying it anyway . Hey, I think she just gave me the middle finger (Note from Sybil: I can only assume she means my spirit did, as by this point I was upstairs and far away from her. Then again, she’s pretty delusional)! Dontcha just love country? (If you can’t tell it’s commercial time and I’m bored, trying to figure out ways to piss off Shibow.) Alright, it’s back. Gwyneth Paltrow’s presenting some….ooooo Radiohead (Note from Sybil: I want to die right now for missing this.). Ok, what is he doing? I think he’s almost as bad as Chris Martin now…wigglin’ around like some animal. I understand you getting into the music, but this is just too much.

Hey Samuel L. Jackson. Lookin’ good *winks*. TI and Justin Timberlake, ey! Man he’s hot…

Who is this Neil guy? And Obama’s a two time Grammy recipient? Huh? Whoa baby! Smokey Robinson’s here? Four Tops… Jamie Foxx and Ne-yo are the other Two Tops. Not bad, not bad.

Yes, I agree, Ne-yo’s very hot. AHHH I LOVE THIS SONG! Sugar Pie Honey Bun…”

So yeah. At this point I tear my notepad away from the child and realize how hormonal she truly is. Get a grip woman! Samuel L. Jackson?! Anyway, at this point I also realize my sleep is more important to me than the Grammys, which is a little bit upsetting. Music lovers should rejoice in events that celebrate music, but when you choose to showcase annoying women in plastic fruit basket costumes over Boyz II Men (no, I’m still not over that), you lose your viewers. You lose Shibow. And Shibow doesn’t want to be lost.

UPDATE: I’ve been informed of two things by my friend Jeremy (what up Jeremy!):

1. Kate Perry is hot, and I can’t deny that (Yes I can! Oh snizzap!)

2. Neil Diamond (“that Neil guy” to Sylvia) did “Sweet Caroline” and the audience sang along! I almost regret missing this until I remember I can Youtube it. Ok, I fully regret not watching this live. Good times never seemed so gooooooddd…..

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